Bush Be F**king Wit Us

We interupt this program for a special bulletin.

Ok..so...if you live in the DC area...you had to hear about the "cats" on the loose. The story broke yesterday. Two "cats" escaped from Andrew's Air Force Base yesterday. What the f**k! They interviewed two Army personnel and the only thing they said was, "Ummmm..someone called in...and....ummm said they saw a species of cat that they couldn't identify. We...ummm....are still searching the area. Don't walk your kids to school. Don't walk your dogs. Lock your doors." Newscaster: "Back to you, Bob!"

Again, what the f**k! I slept on this last night....as I heard helicopters circling over my house. (Did I mention I'm less than a mile from the Base.) I laid in bed thinking - I know they are not looking for 'Garfield' so, again, what the f**k!

I get up this morning..turn on the news...still nothing. They didn't find the "cats." The newscaster was speculating..."They might be bobcats. We've even got reports of a cougar and a leopard." And the congregation goes..."WHAT THE F**K!"

Ok, so...I temporarily believed the hype. I called my sister (at 6:00a) and told her to be careful when she stepped out her door and put my neice in the car. I called my mom and told her I succesfully turned on my alarm, jumped out the front door, dropped the trash on the curb, and pulled out my parking space before my security door could even close shut. I ain't no punk....but I'm not fighting no cougar-leopard-bobcat. Ok...now I'm hitting the beltway...and my mom has the nerve to say, "I wonder if they (the "cats") escaped for the National Zoo?"

(Sidebar: My mom lives in DC. The Zoo is uptown DC. The Zoo is at least 25 miles from Andrew's Air Force Base in MD.)

So....

I'm like, "Ma...what you think...the "cats" caught the Metro or they walked down Wisconsin Ave, made a left on M St, made a right on Pennsylvania Ave, stopped for coffee at the Library of Congress...stepped through the 'hood' and broke loose in PG County?" I took her silence as she knew that was a dumb-ass question. However, her question poked a nerve. It made me realize how ridiculous this was. It made me think about the Beltway Sniper...and how hearing the authoritoes say, "We...ummm....are still searching the area. Don't walk your kids to school. Don't walk your dogs....blah" felt like deja-f**king-vu. OK...so there were two crazy negroes out there capping folks...but still. Fear freezes people. While I digress....

Let's review and ask some questions:

1. If the army lost their pets...how come THEY can't tell us what kinda pussy's got loose?

2. Why does the army have Ringling Bros on the base?

3. Why did we allow these pussy's to make us temporarily lose focus of the gas issue? (Retaining the right to blog about this real soon.)

4. How fast can a leopard run?

Last, but not least............

5. IF BUSH COULD FIND SADAAM SQUATING IN A HOLE SMALLER THAN A BALL OF NAT SHIT....WHY CAN'T THE F**KING ARMY GET SOME PUSSY!

Back to your regularly scheduled program!

I Think You Need An Enema!!

en·e·ma

1 : the injection of liquid into the intestine by way of the anus (as for cleansing or examination)

Just to make sure anyone reading this is intellectually on the same page as I...I have provided the definition of today's topic.

Shit hit the fan today when you walked into my cube this morning. I've tried for months to suppress my inner desire to write you an anonymous letter expressing how intoxicatingly fierce your breath is. I won't defame you by naming you...but damn. I gave you a case of tic tacs from CostCo...and you said thank you! I told you the name of some organic mouth wash my mom recommended....and you said thank you! I squint when you talk to me. I step away from you when you yawn. I pray that the little man in the back of your throat has a heart attack and falls the f**k out of your mouth. Nothing has worked. You know who you are. I watch "House" - so I feel I can somewhat diagnose you....DAMN - YOU NEED AN ENEMA!

***Disclaimer: After reading this...make sure you keep your breath on the up and up when you talk to people at work. You never know what affect you might have on others. Thanks. ******

N.E. Heatbreak

Like Eddie Kane Jr. said - "I still got it!"

New Edition hits D.C.'s Constitution Hall in exactly one week. When they came last year, they opened for Brian McKnight. Yep, I said "opened." What the - - - - ! The first modern-day black boy band since the Jackson 5 opened for mid-life crisis, S-curl wearin' Brian McKnight.

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I have only one person to blame...Sean Puffy P.Diddy John Combs. Take that, take that. I didn't ask him for the hottest pin-striped suit. I demanded him to not f*%# up my boys' careers. We got a medium cool track ("Hot Tonite" - the only single), no B.Brown guest appearances, a somewhat hot video, and only to be demeaned to an "opening" act. At this point in the game...every music career the Puff-ster touches goes to sh*#. God and Terrence Howard helped Mary J. rebound from 'Love & Life.' (If you didn't see the "Got To Be" video...you're lost by the Terrence Howard comment.)

So what they looked out of breath, shape, and tune on BET's 25th Anniversary. So what Bobby Brown made you think ODB (Old Dirty Bastard for the hip-hop impaired) had been re-incarnated. They STILL GOT IT!!


Anyway...my boys will be back...next Saturday, April 29th...and this time....they are NOT opening. (Speaking of opening...K-Ci & JoJo get those honors this time. I pray for sobriety....not for me...for them...so I can enjoy the show!)